Don’t be upset when fans of other teams hate on yours. We are all Canucks.
-by Demi Christou
Sports Illustrated recently released its list of the NHL’s 10 most hated players. Of the 10 notorious shit-disturbers, two of your very own Canucks (unsurprisingly) made the cut.
Max Lapierre and Alex Burrows graced the list at number two and seven.
Although these were the only ones who made it, the Canucks have a handful of others who could easily make the top 20. Ryan Kesler, Zack Kassian, and Kevin Bieksa are all key contributors to Vancouver being one of, if not the most, hated teams in the NHL.
Many Vancouver fans are hurt by the disdane directed their way for supporting a so-called “classless” hockey club. My solution: embrace the hate. Instead of being offended, let’s get under the skin of opposing fans like the Canucks do with other teams. Here’s how:
You: “Demi, I am an honest and respectful grandfather of 16 – can I really get involved?”
Me: “Absolutely Earl. Try this.”
If you ever find yourself at the back of the bathroom line between periods at Rogers Arena, claim you have a rare bladder-related medical condition. You will either be rushed to the front of the line or given access to a high-end VIP facility that we, regular folk, have only dreamed of.
Be sure to jab any fans in the opposing team’s colours in the lower abdomen on your way out while they dance uncomfortably in the urinal queue. What are they going to do? Chase you down? Jab and walk.
You: “Demi, I’m pretty small and I fight like Alexander Semin – what if I get my ass kicked?”
Me: “I’m glad you asked Vern, here’s what you do.”
See that burly, bearded guy with the face-tattoo and Flames jersey in the beer line-up? Follow that juice-head douche bag until you see at least two security guards nearby. When you do, pour your beer on his shoes — they’ll be sticky and wet for hours.
When he turns around to break you in half, take a few steps towards security and claim it was an accident. And once the team of security guards drags this buffoon out of the “Canucks beating on the Flames Game”, you can wave and flash your pearly whites from behind the safety of your heavy-weight protectors.
Simple isn’t it? That’s how to become the Maxim Lapierres of hockey fans. Embrace it.