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Willie Mitchell Breaks Glass During Practice

photo taken by Hosea Cheung

The biggest Canucks news from Monday was of the pane of glass shattered by Willie Mitchell’s errant shot. Usually this would not be a substantial story as it’s a fairly common thing for NHL players to do, but HTTN caught this somewhat worrying telephone conversation between Mitchell and his agent, Mike Liut, following practice:

Mitchell Calls Agent

Liut: Willie, good to hear from you. How was practice today?

Mitchell: It was great, Mike! You should’ve seen the goal I scored!

Liut: Goal? Everyone’s talking about your shot that missed the net by miles and broke the glass.

Mitchell: Oh no, Mike, that never happened… I only shot once and it was an awesome goal. It went straight into the middle of the net, but for some reason it made a sound like a piece of glass breaking.

Liut: Willie, your shot was 9 feet high and 5 feet to the right of where the goal should be. Are you telling me you thought the net was up there?

Mitchell: What do you mean thought? It WAS up there! I saw it floating! Jiminy was really excited too!

Liut: Jiminy? That’s a strange name for a hockey player… are you practicing with someone new?

Mitchell: No silly! Jiminy is my best friend. I met him about 7 and a half months ago… just after I had my accident on the ice!  He sits on my shoulder. He’s a cricket, by the way.

Liut: Uh… Willie, look, let’s keep this stuff about Jiminy and the floating nets between us. And as of right now, I will do all the talking on behalf of you to any of the NHL teams. OK?

Mitchell: Oh sure! I prefer talking to Jiminy anyways!

Liut: Yeah… great.

Elin Nordegren’s Settlement Negotiations

In the wake of Tiger Woods’ divorce with Elin, it hit me that perhaps he has not lost all ability to golf, but was simply trying to make a case for a lower settlement. Following is the conversation between Tiger and Elin’s divorce lawyers. Judge for yourself:

Tiger and Elin’s Lawyers Hammer Out A Deal

Elin’s Lawyer: Your client has won 71 PGA tournaments, and is worth $600 million. We predict that by the end of his career he will be worth at least double that, as he continues to win. Elin is entitled to half of his current and future estimated earnings.

Tiger’s Lawyer: That’s ridiculous! After what has happened to his family, Tiger has not been the same golfer, and he never will be again. He has completely stopped earning money!

Elin’s Lawyer: I don’t believe that for a second. He will soon return to form.

Tiger’s Lawyer: Objection!

Elin’s Lawyer: We’re not in court. There is no judge here.

Tiger’s Lawyer: I rest my case!

Elin’s Lawyer: Jesus, Tiger really has stopped making money if he hired you to represent him. Where did he find you?

Tiger’s Lawyer: You know those commercials on TBS at 2am? That’s where he found me!

Elin’s Lawyer: Ok. How about if we just settle on $500 million. It’s a nice round number.

Tiger’s Lawyer: Round? I like round things! It’s a deal!

-to see the letter to Shane O’Brien from Canucks management, click here

-to see Shane O’Brien’s contract negotiation with Mike Gillis, click here

-to see the changes Rogers is going to make to the Canucks’ arena, click here