The NHL General Managers meetings began today in Florida, and as usual, we have been listening in. Here is a transcript of this morning’s events:
Gary Bettman: Welcome to the General Managers meetings everyone. We have a number of items on our agenda for the next 3 days, including a golf tournament, darts competition, and some incredibly massive meals. We do actually have a couple hours worth of discussion as well, so let’s get that over with, ASAP, so we can get to the partying.
Before we start anything, I’d like you all to recognize that Lou Lamoriello is seated in the corner with the dunce cap on his head. For his incredibly stupid actions of the past summer and early this season, which have made our entire league look Mickey Mouse, he is not allowed to talk during the meeting.
Lou Lamoriello: Can I just explain why I had to sign Kovalchuk?
Bettman: Anyone hear anything? No? Didn’t think so… must be the wind or something. Anyways, moving on: first of all, let’s decide what we’ll be eating for lunch in 30 minutes. Any suggestions?
Darryl Sutter: Last year we ordered pizza from Lola’s Pizza Joint. It was far below expectations, but I heard they’ve lowered their prices. Why don’t we try them again, for the second year in a row, even though they sucked last year – give them a second chance even though they don’t deserve it?
Stan Bowman: You know what? I remember the olives and pepperoni being really amazing. That was the essence – the core studentloannow.org of the pizza if you will. I think we should just order the olives and pepperoni but nothing else. Surely the core is the most important and the pizza will be good without the foundation of crust, cheese and tomato sauce.
Brian Burke: You guys are all f***ing idiots.
Bettman: Brian, do you have anything to add, or is that it?
Burke: Look, there’s a f**ing great Chinese place just down the road. I say we get a big plate of chicken chow mein and we can end this disgraceful argument.
Bettman: I don’t mind Chinese, Brian, but I don’t think that place delivers.
Burke: No problem. We’ll just get Nonis to pick it up. Check it out. (Burke takes a little bell out of his pocket and shakes it. Nonis runs up to his side, seemingly from out of nowhere.)
Nonis: Yes boss? What can I do for you? Are you thirsty? Can I get you some water? Want me to clean your shoes?
Burke: See guys? Like I said, no problem.
Steve Yzerman: Wait, isn’t Nonis your assistant GM?
Burke: Assistant GM/Personal Assistant, all the same to me. He knows if he wants a job he’s gotta do whatever I want.
Lamoriello: Uh guys? I can’t eat chow mein, I’m allergic to the noodles.
Bettman: …anyone hear anything? Right, moving on: it’s settled – we’re ordering chow mein and Nonis will pick it up. Now, we should get down to business. Actually, first, can we show off our Movember moustaches for each other? Me first! Check it out!!
Bettman: Well, what do you guys think?
Garth Snow: It peppermintbenefits.org doesn’t suit you, Gary. Look, I know how to do a moustache:
Darryl Sutter: You two have no imagination! Why don’t you be more creative with it, like me!
Burke: Holy sh**, you guys manage to look girly even though you’re growing hair on your upper lips. Me on the other hand, I can grow this stupid curly thing and still yell at Maple Leafs fans to shut the hell up.
Steve Tambellini: Hate to say it guys, but you’re all clueless. Wanna see a bad-ass ‘stache? Check out this son-of-a-bitch.
Tambellini: That’s right bitches, I drafted Taylor Hall, what you got?
Bettman: Oh this is so fun! This is exactly how I always imagined slumber parties were! No one ever invited me to a slumber party… Still we should talk about some NHL stuff, I guess.
Item one on the agenda: we’d like to make the hiring of a “capologist” mandatory for all NHL General Managers. Look, most of you guys are former NHL players, and it’s no secret you dumb jocks are useless at math. Daryll and Lou have only made this more obvious in the last two years.
Dale Tallon: Oh come on, Gary, is this really necessary?
Bettman: Dale, you’re the worst! Look at the mess you left in Chicago because of your mismanagement.
Tallon: That wasn’t my fault!
Bettman: Sure… so guys, lunch is $310 between the 31 of us. Care to tell us how much each of us owe, Dale?
Tallon: Uhhhm… it’s like… $30 each.
Bettman: WRONG. Anyone else?
Mike Gillis: (trying to read sneakily off his phone) I know! It is… $10 each smiley androidappstores.org face! Oh wait… the smiley face is not part of the price… (under breath: dammit Gilman!)
Bettman: Ok guys, none of you got it except for Gillis who cheated by texting. I rest my case. You all need to hire a capologist to do math for you.
The second agenda item we are supposed to discuss is the league’s Social Media policy. The problem is that Paul Bissonette, a fourth liner in Phoenix, is more popular than any of us. We cannot allow this to continue.
Yzerman: I have a question: how is a fourth liner on the bankrupt, NHL-owned Coyotes even able to afford a laptop computer?
Bettman: Oh don’t worry, we’re not paying those guys. We agreed to supply each player with an iPhone and coupons for meals at McDonald’s for the year, and we’ve issued them IOU’s for their salaries. Apparently Bissonette’s been giving the IOU’s away to the homeless. Little do they know how useless they are!
Nonis: I’m back, Mr. Big! Here’s the lunch you ordered!
Burke: Nonis you f**in idiot. I told you, call me Mr. Big in private, and Mr. Burke in front of people!
Bettman: Uh guys, save this for your office, please. Well, it’s lunch time. We were supposed to discuss a number of things like the coach’s challenge, changing the overtime and shootout, and of course headshots, but we have a big game of capture the flag organized for this afternoon. What would you guys rather do?
All 30 GM’s: Capture the flag!!!
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